written by kat chua
I am better as background
I am ugly as foreground
Squinted eys
Non-existent nose
A smile formed by habit
Staring at myself
Makes me ill
God tell me that's not what I look like
Tell me that's not what people see.
Is that why they leave?
Is that why I left?
Trees are beautiful. I want to be beautiful
Trees are strong. I want to not be tired
Trees are root. I am lost
They are stubborn and needed.
The oak tree that buried me.
Bumpy hairy olive pit shaped, that is my head.
(not my grandmother polariod)
I do not like casual pictures of myself.
My grandmother taught me
about me about my good side.
This ain't it.
My grandmother said we were
Best viewd from a distance.
This ain't it.
My grandmother showed me
How to smile, showing just enough teeth.
This ain't it.
My grandmother always had well kept, tidy hair.
This ain't it-
Because I aint her.
I am not her.
I will never be her.
I have die accepting that.
Not because of this or that.
But because-
Because it's been too long
Over here, under your shadow.
Under here- nothing I do is enough.
Under here I will never be tall enough.
Under here I will never be your favorite.
Under here I will always be HER daughter.
Under here, under you, I will always be the disappointment
The accident.
The regret.
